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5 Rules Of Condiments – And What Your Favourites Sat About You

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When my best friend Robert Weber grills me a juicy burger I can’t help but think how my immediate reaction to this will be judged by my friends and beloved. And by immediate reaction, I mean the swift movement to grab a condiment to go with this burger. Innocent enough you think? NO! I say!
 
The sauce itself reveals quite a detrimental amount about your personality. Don’t think so? Well read on, because having spent countless hours thinking about pigeonholes, I have come up with a list of popular condiments and what they say about your personality.

Ketchup, aka Tomato Sauce; The Red One

There is good reason why they made green and purple tomato sauce but not the same for, say mustard or brown sauce, simply because it’s a child’s sauce. Playful, sweet, sour, it is like a Skittle party in your mouth… except with tomato sauce instead of a rainbow.

Brown Sauce

This is when you can prove to your “buddies” that you are a man. Generally, brown sauce is for people who pride themselves on the amount of testosterone flowing through their bloodstream.  It is slightly tangy, dark, thick and just not something that can be considered “playful”. Imagine the outrage from many manly men if they found their brown sauce has changed colours to, say, lilac.

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Mayonnaise

Now, this, is not gender specific, though it seems like women use more mayonnaise than men, but more of a continental condiment choice.
 
It is commonly served with chips as a standard condiment, sometimes even preferred over tomato sauce in a lot of countries in Europe such as Germany or Belgium. So when you choose mayo to go with your meat, prepare to get some weird looks, unless you are in Europe, of course.

Chutney

Not to mix up with relish, chutney is what you call it when it comes in a jar instead of a squeezy bottle. Often people will gather those different flavour chutneys on farmers markets and share them with their uber hip friends over cheese and wine. Originally an Indian condiment, it has penetrated Britain so much, you will look a fool if you don’t prefer chutney over pickle.

Chilli sauce

This is “business” sauce, because if you grab that instead of other sauces, people will know you mean serious business! There is just something very profound about choosing chilli sauce. Almost an insult to those who cooked the food, in fact… While the other condiments enhance and compliment the flavour of the dish, chilli sauce adds heat. It’s almost like a slap in your face and an emasculating choice of sauce to your host.
 
There you have it, depending on the mood, or even what you want people to think of you based on the sauce you pick, you can manipulate it to your favour, or simply confuse them. Either way, I like all my food with extra chilli, take that as you will.
 
Lia Schopmeyer is a condimental and continental blogger for Lords of Notting Hill who are the go-to people for excellent BBQs to have those all important garden parties where the quality of your grilling separates the men from the boys, or women from the girls!


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